“It’s healthy to admit you’re not ok. ‘It’s ok to not be ok.’ It’s brave. But don’t let it win. Be sad. Have your moment, your day or week. Then do something bout it and be happy. For yourself.”
Jessie J.
As we have begun the new semester, I’ve been feeling the stress level on campus rising. The second years just completed their first practice exam for USMLE STEP 1 and are about to plunge head on into board review. Fourth years are wrapping up their residency interviews and getting ready to submit their rank lists for residency. My class is knee deep in rotations, deciding on specialties and preparing to apply for outside rotations next year. It’s also the time of year when decisions are being made about who in my class will be to be inducted into our two honor societies.
As all of these major events loom on the horizon and anxieties rise, I just want to put it out there that it’s okay to not be okay. Full disclosure, we nominated classmates for one of the honors societies at my medical school last week and based on those results a number were invited to move on in the application process. I didn’t get that email and that stung. I keep my blog positive in general because I truly have had so many wonderful experiences in medical school and I think there is way too much negativity on social media these days, but it’s important to acknowledge that not everything in life is going to be rainbows and unicorns. Like it or not, that’s part of the deal.
It can be so easy to get wrapped up in chasing that high board score, that honors on a rotation or exam, or those glowing evaluations. We want to be recognized for our hard work. It’s part of human nature and why people are invested in being chosen for these honor societies to begin with. Not to mention, they’re nice to have on your applications for residency in an era where STEP 1 mania rules. Trying to break out of this mold that’s been forged in medical education seems impossible sometimes. It is so entrenched in the culture around us and these things carry so much perceived weight.
When I find myself being swept away in thoughts about whether my preceptors like me, if I will be chosen for x,y or z, or how I’m going to do on the next exam, I need to consciously stop myself and remind myself why I’m in medicine in the first place and where my identity lies. Truth be told, that happens more than I’d like to admit. I’m not becoming a doctor for any prestige or awards and those three-digit scores will be meaningless 20 years from now. I’m here to learn how to serve my patients. Period. I’m also so much more than a future doctor. I’m a daughter, sister and fierce friend. I’m a black-belt, Hufflepuff and mezzo-soprano who loves to read and binge watch Marvel movies. Most importantly, the core of my identity lies in my faith. With it at the center of my life to guide me, I cannot go astray, and I know I will end up exactly where I am meant to be.
The Music of Medicine 