Switching Gears

“You don’t always need to be getting stuff done. Sometimes it’s perfectly okay, and absolutely necessary, to shut down, kick back, and do nothing.”

Lori Deschene

I have certainly neglected this blog lately! I’m on a much-needed vacation home and now getting a chance to write. That residency has been busy is an understatement! So far, I’ve spent two weeks on one of our general pediatric inpatient units, two weeks in our pediatric illness clinic, one month in the neonatal intensive care unit, two weeks covering the pediatric hospital floors overnight, and two weeks in our pediatric emergency room. I’ve learned a great deal and am gradually becoming more independent as I navigate my role as a doctor. Now that I’m three months in, I’m recognizing that I still love everything about clinic and endocrinology, and that my superpower is being human. My favorite moments have been when I get to spend time and truly be present with patients. Singing happy birthday to a patient to make their crummy day just a little brighter, teaching a little future doctor about ultrasound, or simply giving stressed caregivers a hug are just a few moments that were bright spots in often long days. Don’t even get me started about the incredible medical students that I’ve had the privilege of working with. They are kind, thoughtful and incredibly bright. I love getting to show them the ropes and answer their questions. It’s become my mission to build them up and be their hype person because, honestly, they’ve got this and don’t need much else from me. Hopefully, all our shameless plugging will lead some to pursue Med-Peds training. I savor these experiences and will cherish them forever because they remind me that I have a greater impact than I realize. I can’t think of a better antidote to imposter syndrome.

That isn’t to say that everything has been easy. No way. I miss my family and friends and hate that I can’t just drive to see my nephew when he asks where I am. I’ve been working often over 60 hours, 6 days a week except for one week where I got a whole two days off. There’s been a steep learning curve as I navigate the added responsibilities of placing orders, talking to consulting teams and coordinating care. I’m now the one that nurses, patients and other team members are coming to with questions and I need to find an answer. It’s a lot, and everything’s 10x harder at 3 AM. Over time though, I’m becoming more comfortable fielding those questions and juggling the many tasks on my to- do list. In the discomfort of that learning curve, though, imposter syndrome thrives. There are certainly moments I second guess myself, wonder whether I’m good enough, doing enough or measuring up. In those moments, I remind myself that I’m not meant to know everything right away. If I already knew everything, there would be no point of training. What matters is that I’m working hard and willing to learn. In the end, my best will always be good enough for God, which is all that really matters.

Our society is so hyper-focused on perfectionism, being always accessible, always working toward the next goal that it’s no wonder burnout is such a big deal. Keeping up with watching church online, exercising, spending time with friends, and calling family have kept me grounded. There have been times though that I’ve been exhausted and wondered what would happen if I just drove off and went home to sleep. The team you are working with has such an impact on your well-being. Over the years, I’ve had teams where I came to work energized and ready to go because our team dynamic was incredibly positive, and I felt trusted and supported. I’ve also had teams where I felt like I was ignored or walking on eggshells, not wanting to say or do the wrong thing for fear of setting someone off. I never want anyone I work with to feel that way and that certainly was a factor I considered when choosing which residency programs to apply to and rank. I’m so grateful to have a supportive program full of individuals who care about me as a person. My co-residents have become a family who I know beyond a shadow of a doubt will always have my back. There certainly is no easy fix to such a widespread problem, but we must change our priorities if we are going to move anywhere in achieving a culture where balance in all areas of life is not the exception but the norm. We can start with treating one another with basic human decency and continue fighting to promote positive environments in which we all can work and learn. Our patients and future selves will thank us for it.